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 I started my shots on Friday, April 18th. 100ml/wk, depo-testosterone.

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Let's talk about binders. So I am a thin, athletically framed guy with a (rather unfortunate) large chest (D or DD-ish). That being said, binding isn't easy for me. I have given up the hope of ever being flat, as I am sure many guys out there have done before me when in similar circumstances.
I have branched out in my binding choices, opting for comfort on the part of the binding device used. I figure, if I'm not going to be 100% concealed via binder, I may as well be able to breathe.

The ever popular Frog Bra, found here:

It takes me from a DD to about a B in appearance. This is favorable, and I can wear it all day without serious issues.
The downside: It doesn't compress everything, and the band around the bottom tends to hurt my spine a bit. Also, I have been lifting weights for a year now to get in shape for transition, the band cuts into my newly developed Lat muscles in a way that doesn't seem good for them. I am not a health professional however.

I just bought and did the "Test Drive" on the binder found here: http://gc2compression.com/main.sc

It cost me $26 (US)for priority shipping and was at my house in a few days. It is comprised of a high spandex content, making this binder really breathable.
The downside: keeping the needed "separation" which allows for a flatter appearance. Over the course of the day, they tend to shift back into a uniboob type configuration. This is remedied with a trip to the restroom, but is somewhat inconvenient.

I bought a neoprene based tummy belt from Wal-Mart in their sport department. It cost about $6 (US).
It flattens better than any other method, and things seem to stay put. Although I have only worn it for a few hours at a time, at home thusfar.

The downside: It gets HOT in there. I cannot see wearing this in the summer without discomfort. Also, to get it on right and get the maximum binding effect, I need another person to help me. This does not seem viable in all circumstances.

The bottom line: There are several options out there, as I try more out, I will report.

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So I'm going to go in and pick up my HRT letter in January, and hopefully start hormones by March at the latest.  

This is exciting. I know I won't see a lot of changes right away, but that's the point pre-surgery anyway. I already stated time and again my reluctance to possess boobs and beard at the same time. It would make my dysphoria far worse I think.

I'm still on the fence in regards to lower surgery beyond a hysto. If anyone who is post hysto is reading this: did your abilities to have an orgasm change at all? That is my chief concern in regards to anything in "that area", losing the ability to have an orgasm. So yeah guys, if you're reading this, let me know.

My thoughts on lower surgery: I want my penis to have sensation, orgasmic ability and be comprised of my own (or donated for all I care) erectile tissue. This leaves me in the Meta/centurion boat. My concern there is having a small penis that either cannot or does not effectively achieve penetration. I also want to be able to stand to pee without a device or careful "positioning".
For now at least, with the current options out there, phalloplasty is out of the question. I'm too nervous from all the phallos gone bad I have seen out there. Also, cost is a factor in my decision. So phallo is too expensive regardless.

Thoughts and additions to this line of logic are encouraged.

My health insurance may cover chest surgery. Once I find this out for certain this may change my time line, as the sooner the better is my thought on the whole matter.

Current Location: work
Current Mood: hopeful hopeful
Current Music: The Rentals: Friends of P

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Come here...stand in front of the light...

I know this isn't my normal thing, but this song is stuck in my head from a dream I had last night. It's mostly accurate I suppose. Although has almost nothing to do with transition beyond the simple question: If I were bron "right" (biologically male) the first time, would I even know this song?

I'm not a huge Ani fan, I thought I was when I was trying to be a lesbian, but that clearly wasn't good for me.

So here's some lyrical-ness for Thursday:

I search your profile
for a translation
I study the conversation
like a map
'cause I know there is strength
in the differences between us
and I know there is comfort
where we overlap

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so I can see your silhouette
I hope
you have got all night
'cause I'm not done looking,
no, I'm not done looking yet

each one of us
wants a piece of the action
you can hear it in what we say
you can see it in what we do
we negotiate with chaos
for some sense of satisfaction
if you won't give it to me
at least give me a better view

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so I can see your sillouette
I hope
you have got all night
'cause I'm not done looking
I'm not done looking yet

I build each one of my songs
out of glass
so you can see me inside of them
I suppose
or you could just leave the image of me
in the backround, I guess
and watch your own reflection superimposed

I build each one of my days out of hope
and I give that hope your name
and I don't know you that well
but it don't take much to tell
either you don't have the balls
or you don't feel the same

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so I can see your sillouette
I hope
you have got all night
'cause I'm not done looking
no, I'm not done looking yet

I seach your profile for a translation
I study the conversation like a map
'cause I know there is strength
in the differences between us
and I know there is comfort
where we overlap
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Moving forward...I can now move forward with transition due to my recent acquisition of a decent paying job. 

It took a while, but I really wanted to get this job, so it was worth the struggle to wait it out.

I am going by my new name here at work, and hope to save money in time for my goal of chest surgery before I turn 26. I may be able to have insurance cover it, I will update when I am certain of this possiblity.

Work outs are going well, I'm at about 8.5% body fat now, but my weight is staying the same, so I'm totally psyched. I hope to be able to gain 10-15lbs minimum when I start HRT. Lets see if that happens...

Current Mood: job

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Job search is still on. That being said I am unable to move forward with HRT or setting a surgery appointment for now. 

So instead of feeling like it's all a lost cause, I have been continuing to work out almost maniacally in an attempt to reshape my body as much as possible and add some bulk to my upper torso/arms.

I can honestly say I am in the best shape of my life at the moment. I got my body fat down to about 9%, which is a great victory considering the last time I did that was when I was a freshman in high school... which was a long time ago indeed.

Pictures forthcoming, I need to switch my phone plan to send them to myself again. I will probably do a comparison from the pics in my other journal.

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So I'm at that crossroads. 

I'm unemployed, although hopefully only temporarily.
I'm done with my 3 months of SOC recommended therapy and my therapist said to schedule a letter writing appointment when I have the money to move forward into physical transition.

-Clearly this hinges on my finding a job. That I may have to quit come surgery time. I don't know that some employers would be ok with having an employee transition, and whereas there anti discrimination statutes, there are many ways to "encourage" someone to quit a job, or there's always the fact that MD is an at-will employment state.

This will be an interesting new bridge to cross.

Also, I have a journal kind of like the journal that started this one. I mention no gender stuff, and it hasn't been updated in a minute, but to be honest, it may end up my [new] primary journal. The old one is fine, but it goes back to 2002, and unless there's a way for me to delete years of old entries, I don't think I will want to continue it much longer.

So new journal: aeonsky
Please no trans talk. I'm just a regular guy there... or at least as "regular" as I care to be.

Current Mood: tired (yawn)

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So I went to my final (!!!) gender therapy appointment on Wednesday. 

This is it, unless something big happens(assuming I would like to talk about it),  until I go in for my HRT and surgery letters. Then as soon as I am post-op I'm going for the name change so I can do the sex marker as well on all my documents all at once. ..Er, well, as "all at once" as you can with all the red tape and whatnot.

So my next question: Who's had surgery with Medalie? Care to email me pictures?

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative

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So I started this because I am not choosing the same path as "most FtM's". I use quotes because I feel there is no solitary "path" beyond the one that each person chooses for themselves. 

Helpful links, local resources (to Baltimore MD) and possibly some pictures forthcoming.

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative

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